I Can't Bear to Think Your Name
by lilaya
Summary: An extreme 'What if"? What if Bella and Jacob had the chance to be together before the wedding, if only for one night? It brings up things that she'd rather not think about...and feelings that she'd rather not discover.... Oneshot
1. Chapter 1

**So….this was on my mind one day…and I just wrote it out. It's a oneshot, so don't get too excited or disappointed! Just enjoy what's going to happen here….**

I rolled off of him and felt a pang of sadness. It was for the best, really. The first and only time I would feel true warmth. I mean, why should I have that taken from me?

A layer of sweat covered his arms and chest. He was so different from the boy I used to make mud pies with, getting so dirty it seemed to take hours to get us clean again.

Who would be better to do it with? It's not like he hasn't seen me before. Who better to try it out with? Who's been through more with me? A smile crossed my face. Who knows me better?

_He_ does.

The smile disappeared.

I couldn't even bear to think his name, or think how betrayed he must feel. Think, Bella. Think. Think about what it is you're doing. What it is you've _done_…

"Hey."

I forced myself to look away from his torso and at his face.

"Hey..."

A lazy smile was spreading across his face. I couldn't help but smile back.

"Well, that was…something." He curled his arm around my shoulders.

"Yeah…something." I couldn't look at him anymore. I couldn't. My eyes slid back down.

"Bells?"

"Yeah, Jake?"

"You okay?"

"No."

Jacob pulled away from me. I could tell he was hurt. He wanted this to be the something that would stop me from going past the point of no return. _Maybe if I would have known before…if I had done something…we could have been alright._ I was too deep in now. There was no turning back. _In three days I would be…_there was another thing that I couldn't bring myself to think about.

Again, only four days before, it had been a wonderful day. In fact, _he_ had suggested it. I had, however, been a little excited at the prospect. I had always wondered what it would be like: me and Jake, Jake and me, with nothing and no one to come between us.

* * *

_Four days earlier_

"You want me to _what_?"

"I think it's for the best, Bella." Edward said it in _that_ way, the one that said that he was right and I'd come around soon.

"Aren't you _against_ sex before marriage?"

"I _am_, Bella. I just…I don't want to hurt you. Vampire super-strength, remember?" He took my hands and his voice was pleading.

"You _never_ want to hurt me! What if I'd rather be hurt, Edward?" I shouted, not caring who else heard me. I couldn't help it. "Just consider my well being _and_ my feelings for once, will you?" The tears pricked at my eyes. _Damn_.

"Bella…Bella, please. Let's just ask him. It will help. We're getting married in a little over a week, and if you don't want me to change you before we…"

"_You_ know best, Edward, so dammit, fine!" I stumbled blindly through the door of his room in a cloud of tears. He followed me to the front door.

"Bella, I…" The look on his face was heartbreaking, but I couldn't stop. I whirled as I felt his hand on my shoulder when I got into my truck.

"No! I'm going to drive myself home! And I don't want to see you tonight. I'll see you in the morning Edward." With that, I drove away. Edward was left standing with the same look on his face, even I as drove out of sight.

* * *

"It's not even midnight, Edward."

"It wasn't midnight when I was climbing in, but now it's exactly twelve."

"Edward…'

"Bella, just listen," He began. I heard him take in a breath. "I know it seems totally backward that I would tell you to do this, and you can't understand why I would want someone else to…to be with you in that way before I am, but there's already such I huge chance that I'll literally break you in two…"He ran his fingers through his hair. "I've spoken with Carlisle, and he agrees with me. This might give us what we need to make it through our wedding night…" He trailed off.

I had to think about this. Edward really did want what was best for me…I just hoped that I wouldn't hurt Jake more that I already had. Really, the idea had some logic to it….and I had always wondered…

"I'll do it."

"What?"

"Pick me up at eight." A smile spread across his face at lightning speed. "Now leave. I need time. _Without _you." The curtains blew, and he was gone.

Somehow, the Volvo and the Rabbit pulled up to the line at the same time. Both Edward and Jacob got out like the predators that they were.

"Leech."

"Dog."

I was glad to see that they were getting along so well. They stared at each other for a few moments, neither of them moving an inch. Finally, Edward's shoulders sagged.

"Look, Jacob, Bella and I have something we'd like to ask you."

I got up from the passenger side of the Volvo and glared at Edward. "There's a correction on that, Jacob. _Edward_ has something that he'd like to ask you. I'm just an innocent bystander." Edward looked at me in amazement. Jacob smirked. "Go on, Edward. Talk." I sat back in the Volvo and left him to his own devices.

Edward and Jacob discussed things over the treaty line. I watched as Jacob's expression changed from one of suspicion, to confusion, to absolute shock. Some of their words reached me in the car as Jacob understood just what it was that Edward wanted.

"Oh, bloodsucker…you're not serious?" the look on Jake's face was almost laughable: skepticism to the extreme.

"I'm afraid that I'm quite serious, Jacob."

"What you're saying is that you want me to….to _break Bella in for your wedding night_?"

Jake looked over at me with sadness in his eyes, then he said something more quietly to Edward. I couldn't take it anymore. I covered my ears and closed my eyes. A few seconds later, there was a soft knock on the window. It was Jake. Edward was nowhere to be seen. I got out of the car.

"He's gone, but still close enough to hear if you shout." He put a hand on my arm. "What's going on, Bells?"

"Jake…he said that he doesn't want to hurt me…" I couldn't explain. I wasn't sure myself of what was going on.

"He's trying _not_ to hurt you by pimping you out before the wedding?" If it had been anyone else, I would have been more upset, but I could hear the genuine concern underneath it all. "You're too good for this, Bells."

"Jake…" I could hear myself pleading with him, and I had no idea where it was coming from. "This is the only way that I'll stay alive for more that an hour after the wedding…"

"Bella…" He looked torn.

"I don't want to hurt you Jake…but this is the only way that we can see each other after I marry him. It's not exactly what I want either….but…you're still my best friend. This way we can be that for a little bit longer."

"It's wrong, Bella."

"I'm not saying that it's not."

We stood in silence. He had to think about it. Hell, _I_ was still thinking about it.

"For you, Bells. Not _him_. For you." His words startled me so much that I couldn't process them properly.

"What?"

"I'll do it…providing that he promises not to rip me to shreds when we're finished."

I jumped on him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I love you, Jake."

"I love you too, Bells. Tell Edward to give me a call." He was almost at the Rabbit when he turned around. "Bells?"

"Yeah, Jake?" He'd probably changed his mind, and who could blame him?

"Have you ever," he paused, seeming a little embarrassed. "Well, have you ever wondered what it would be like?"

He'd hit the nail smack on the head. I couldn't lie to him now. "Yeah. I have."

"Me too." Without a second glance back, he got in the Rabbit and drove away.

Edward was back at my side in a matter of seconds. "What did he say?"

"He said yes. Give him a call."

I spent the rest of the ride home in silence and refused to go anywhere else. I stared out the window, thinking.

* * *

Now I was here, at some hotel in Seattle with Jacob. Charlie thought I was on an overnight shopping trip for the wedding somewhere with Alice, and I had no idea what Jake had told Billy.

"Jake?" I couldn't let him leave just yet.

"Yeah, Bells?" He turned to me.

"Was it what you thought it would be?" I didn't know what I wanted him to say. Anything would work. Maybe something to remind me that I wasn't a completely awful person for being there. That this hadn't been my idea. That we could just be okay after this.

"Not exactly…" I looked up at him. He had closed his eyes and was running a hand through his hair.

"What do you mean? Did it take place in some roach motel off the highway instead? Or maybe in the back of the Rabbit?" A grin spread across my face, but his face remained sober even as he looked at me.

"Bella, I just….I thought that we would be _us_, not a temporary fix and not something that I'd have to give right back up. I wanted…I shouldn't have given in so easily, Bella. We shouldn't have done this." His tone turned bitter. "One taste and I have to give it all up. That's not what it's supposed to be like, Bells."

I _had_ hurt him. I'd hurt him even more than he'd been hurt before, and it was all because of _his_ stupid superhuman strength, _his _lack of faith in his self-control, and _his_ belief that I needed protection, no matter the cost to others. Yet I could see _his_ reasoning, and it made me angry, because I had no one to be upset with but myself.

"You know that I love you, right Jake?" I touched his cheek. The sadness in his eyes was threatening to break me.

"I love you too, Bells." He grasped my hand in his.

I knew that _he'd_ be waiting for me to call, or to show up within the next few hours, but _he_ said that I could take as much time as I needed. I made a fast decision.

"It wasn't what I thought it would be either, Jake. You're right, it's not right, and it's not fair that there's only one taste and we just have to give it all up."

"Bella, you should–" I put a finger to his lips.

"That's why I think we should try it one more time." A reluctant smile broke out on his face.

"I want to, Bella, but it's wrong."

"More wrong than what we've done already?" I couldn't possibly get any closer to hell than I already was…

"Bella, I _really_ want to, but–"

"Stop thinking, Jake." If he spoke any more I'd change my mind. "Just do it. One more time. _I_ want you to–"

My words were cut off as Jake's mouth covered mine in a kiss. He moved over me, and I blocked everything out. It was just the two of us, an alternate universe.

_He_ could wait a little longer.

_**Author's Note: **__25th April, 2010_

**What'd you guys think? Leave me some love and let me know!**


	2. A Little Note

**A little note from me:**

**So I feel like it's completely possible to continue this, but only if you feel like it. I originally did it with the intention of leaving it to stand alone, but I'm not sure that's what you guys want. Just do me one little favor to help me to make up my mind: Run on over to my profile and vote in the poll, and keep this on story alert (or put me on author alert, which is about a million times better) and I'll let you know how it turns out, and how I plan to continue. Keep your fingers crossed!**

_**Love Lilaya**_

**P.S. Feel free to send me a message, or an e-mail, if you have any ideas or dying concerns!**

**P.P.S. Also, feel free to leave me a review telling me why you would or wouldn't like it to continue.**

**P.P.P.S. I also just realized that the poll wasn't actually in my profile, but now its up and running! go vote!  
**


	3. Keep it Going!

**So the result of the poll is a resounding yes!**

**While I work on finishing a chapter or two to start you guys off, here's a little sneak peek of what the continuation's going to be like. Really, its just an excerpt from the next chapter! Remember, put me on author alert because I may be posting it as a new story! Don't worry, guys! I'll be sure to update this to let you know when that's happening.**

There's something to be said for waiting. I mean, really _waiting._ Not waiting in the sense of time, but also in emotions, in maturity, in mystery.

Of course, time encompasses all of that, doesn't it? After a certain amount of time, persons should be better able to handle their emotions, be more mature, and be more aware of the mysteries of the world around them. Most of all, time should better equip a person to make a decision.

It didn't. Time failed me. I had no idea of what I had gotten myself into.

I was beginning to think that I would never be able to make a decision.

**So...yes? no? maybe so? Let me know lovelies, so I can have something for you soon!**


	4. Sorry

_**Author's Note: **__27__th__ July, 2011_

**So listen. as of Saturday night, there will no longer be a continuation of this story. I have to face facts, this was definitely meant to be a oneshot, am I right? I'll be back with something new soon, my lovelies, and I can only hope that you'll have patience with me until then. This story will still be here, but I'll remove _Zero Resistance._**

**Sorry.**

**With love,  
**

**Lilaya  
**


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